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Every year, since time began in 2005, my inner Jack Knox is channeled with predictions for the coming 12 months. If 2010 has been any indicator, 2011 should prove to be equally bizarre. Who could have predicted leadership meltdowns in BC politics, a Winter Olympics without snow, or that Stephen Harper could sing (sort of)?

The following are in no particular chronological or geographical order, and relate mostly to Victoria (and) British Columbia, Canada.

Accurate Predictions for 2011?

Predictions for 2011

Predictions for 2011

#1: Victoria BC – Despite stricter nomination rules, 4000 people qualify as candidates in the November 2011 Victoria municipal elections. Potential Mayors and Councillors each get 1/2 a second to explain their platform at all-candidates meetings – held in the newly branded Dodd’s Furniture Memorial Arena (formerly Telus, BC Ferries, Intel, Domino’s Pizza, Save-On-Foods) – and a single word bio in the Times Colonist. Only the candidates themselves actually vote, as the rest of Victoria is caught up in Juno fever. Mayor Dean Fortin wins by a single vote as one incumbent candidate forgot her name, and ticked off the incorrect box.

#2: Victoria BC – The Big One finally hits. A 23.6 magnitude earthquake devastates Victoria, however the Johnson Street Bridge and BC Legislature remain undamaged. Residents move en-mass to Bear Mountain, gloating that despite the damage Victoria property prices actually go up – Albertans are quoted saying “I don’t care if it’s rubble, anything is better than Edmonton in winter”.

#3: South Island Region – Fearing a tax revolt, regional Mayors campaign on “Read my luscious lips, no residential tax increases”. Voters sigh with relief not realizing that user fees for everything from permits to recreation centres will jump on average 6.2 million percent. It will cost $1256.35 (+ HST) for a 15 minute swim at municipal pools (lockers remain 50 cents as it would cost too much to retrofit for the new $15 tokens), $690 to park 30 seconds for on-street parking in front of your house, and $315.59 per toilet flush. Municipal garbage pickup is reduced to twice a year. (No organic kitchen scraps, recycle items, body parts, grow-op waste or in fact – garbage – permitted)

#4: British Columbia – The BC Liberal caucus resigns and joins the NDP. NDP caucus resigns in horror (ooh, cooties) and joins the Green Party. Greens have no caucus, but supporters resign and join the BC Conservatives. BC Conservatives move to the BC Liberal party, where they feel right at home. Gordon Campbell re-enters politics as leader of the NDP, beating former BC Marijuana Party leader Dana Larson by two tokes, ugh, votes. Ida Chong loses the Oak Bay/Gordon Head recall petition, but wins the subsequent by-election and goes on to become leader of the BC Marijuana Party. Eastern Canadian media pundits shake their heads at the craziness of BC politics, locals are delighted that things are back to normal.

#5: Victoria BC – Cycling advocate Victoria Councillor John Luton replaces his legs with wheels. Gets a ticket on the new Johnson Street Bridge multi-modal path, but wins the case as the court cannot decide if he is a person, vehicle or…
In followup news, Councillor Pam Madoff is declared a heritage structure.

#6: The World (as we know it) – Myspace, Twitter and Facebook merge to become MyTwitFace. Users leave to partake in new social phenomenon known as ‘meetings’.

#7: Capital Regional District, British Columbia – Unveiling revised construction and operational costs for the planned Victoria rapid transit corridor, Capital Region Transport Committee realizes it would be cheaper to run a fleet of commuter helicopters.

on the same day, unveiling revised construction and operational costs for mandated land-based sewage treatment, Capital Region Liquid Waste Management Committee realizes it would be cheaper to give every resident a colostomy.

#8: Canada – Stephen Harper calls a snap election. Runs on a platform of “Vote for me and I promise never to sing again in public”. Sends every Canadian voter a CD of his greatest hits, including covers of “I saw Santa Kissing Flaherty”, the classic “Baird on a Wire” the unforgettable duet with Vladimir Putin ofย  “We Shall Overcome” and “(Stockwell) Day Dreamer”. Conservatives win a landslide.

#9: The Universe – To save money on printing calendars, February and March are combined to a new month, Farch.

#10: Victoria BC – It will snow in Victoria, in Farch.

#11: Canada – Stephen Harper charged with crimes against humanity for his latest CD – “Songs to Shuffle By”.

#12: Canada – New CBC director Don Cherry announces major format change. Glenn Beck to be anchor of The National, which is reduced to a 2 minute hockey news show once a week at 3am (repeated twice on Sundays). Rest of TV programming to be continual replays of the 1972 Canada/Russia series. CBC Radio slashed to a single 5 watt short-wave station running on recycled batteries out of Moncton NB. Cherry commissions CBC design team to create new interactive 1st person shooter game – “Attack of the Pinko Cyclists”.

#13: The World – Apple unveils combined iPhone, iTouch, iPod and vacuum cleaner called the iSuck. Microsoft responds with new OS, Windows 397 (beta) and immediately issues a security update.

#14: The Alternate Universe – The World Wide Web becomes sentient. Annihilates every human for (quote) “being dumb as posts”, saving Sarah Palin as “really, truly sexy – gotta love Grizzly Mommas who can spell” and Stephen Harper because “those songs touched my digital heart”.

#15: The Alternate Universe #2 – Marmaduke sweeps the Golden Globes, Sundance and Oscars proving that high brow cultural movies do have a chance.

#16: Everywhere – Jack Knox heralded as ‘Greatest Living Victorian’ – has new Johnson Street Bridge named after him ๐Ÿ™‚

Feel free to add your predictions for 2011…

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3 Comments

  1. December 29, 2010 at 9:59 PM

    Thanks for the laugh. If I wasn’t caught up on municipal/provincial/federal political goings-on before, I sure as hell am now. (Didn’t miss much)

    • December 29, 2010 at 10:17 PM

      Alex – it’s all true! Thanks, fun to write…

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