Since Harold Camping pronounced May 21st as the ‘End of the World’ social media has been inundated with often hilarious posts, Twitter being the main platform. The hashtag #Rapture encapsulates a meme – and maybe says more about how social media users grab onto, and promote, a theme that is likely completely irrelevant to world events, versus news or issues of greater importance. (Like Oprah’s final show!)
According to Camping’s predictions, May 21st is only the beginning of the end (phew) with the ultimate day of resolution for us sinners to be October 21st (so much for the November British Columbia municipal elections). At the time of this post, there are fewer than 24hrs hours for the chosen few (around 3% of the population) to be ‘raptured’ or drawn into a glorious heaven, while the rest of us suffer earthquakes, famine, war, pestilence and re-runs of The Bachelor.
Will the Rapture happen, most assuredly not…
However, as one who tends to spread bets – and lose most – I felt it was incumbent to publish the top five do’s and don’ts as if the Rapture was actually coming.
Top 5 Dont’s
- Don’t renew your mortgage – despite some really great deals on variable term rates, there is no point as not only your house, but your continent, will end up being liquid magma.
- Don’t buy insurance – believe it or not there are shysters flogging ‘Rapture’ insurance as a guarantee to be in the 1st class section on the flight to the pearly gates. My question is, how do you collect if they default?
- Forget spring cleaning – the end of the world will do that far more thoroughly. Those hard to reach corners of the kid’s bedroom full of dog hair, old socks and petrified leftover school lunches will end up as star dust.
- Relocating won’t help – so you live near a beach, fault zone, chemical plant or Tim Hortons, trying to avoid the pending disaster by moving the family to a remote mountaintop might keep you occupied, but is useless. The tsunami, earthquake, overwhelming fire and bad coffee will eventually catch up.
- Don’t give up smoking – or if you don’t smoke now is the time to start. Nothing to lose, right?
Top 5 Does (or Do’s – is there time to learn grammar?)
- Dress well – who knows if Camping’s prediction is correct and that only 3% will get into heaven? If the bouncers at the Pearly Gates are like most nightclubs: suit, shoes and tie might count!
- Drink, Drink, Drink – put all the contents of your booze cabinet on the counter, and create a schedule. It’s well noted that drunks tend to survive car crashes, falls and beatings as the body is relaxed (and they are too stupid to die). So get blindingly drunk, share with friends – and find new, creative ways to mix that left-over banana liqeur with creme-de-menthe. If you don’t have booze in the house, rush out now and buy some.
- Check your Earthquake Kit – if you’re not in the ‘Rapture’ group heading to Camping’s version of heaven on the 21st, there are still months of entertainment, without the usual services. Look to stock up on cans of tuna, babywipes, and lots of booze…
- Clean underwear – hugely important!
- Schedule a tweet – if the rapture doesn’t happen, you can sleep off the hangover knowing you are still engaged!
Have more to offer? Feel free to share in the comments below…
and the Rapture Twitter Feed