The annual predictions. What is in store for the world. Canada, British Columbia and Victoria in 2016 (this is satire)
1: Donald Trump sweeps the GOP nomination, wins the 2016 Presidential election and at the inauguration slowly peels off his face mask to reveal…… Stephen Harper. The case of the disappearing former Prime Minister is finally solved.
2: Trudeau wins every international People’s Choice awards, gets the swimsuit edition cover of Sports Illustrated and is only slightly disappointed when receiving ’best supporting actor’ trophy at the Oscars behind Gerry Butts and Katie Telford (who together win best director, producer, script writer…) for CBC’s ‘Behind the Scenes’ film on the swearing in of cabinet. In the follow up media scrum Trudeau says “ Hey, they feed the lines, I’ve got the abs’.
3: Use and possession of recreational marijuana becomes legal across the country. Canadian Taxpayers Foundation have a collective stroke over new line item on tax forms: an automatic rebate to everyone for ‘Munchies’. Save your pizza receipts.
4: B.C. Premier Christy Clark buys a Prius to ‘connect with the Greens’, and is immediately filmed running a stop sign. Though to be fair Ministers Rich Coleman and Bill Bennett were in the back seat yelling GO as they were late for a meeting with Petronas. RCMP have no comment.
5: Global news media finally implodes and completely gives up after Jeff Bezos declares ‘I lose less money blowing up rockets than maintaining the Washington Post’. Your mainstream TV news is now 24 hours of ‘that guy on Youtube from North Dakota with the latest conspiracy theory’.
6: As the arctic melts, Inuit are asking, ‘where the hell is Nestle?’ Why pump southern aquifers for bottled water when we have buckets of pure melting icebergs? Get it while you can folks, it’s a fire sale, won’t last.
7: B.C. Ferries dumps the entire comms staff and gives the public relations contract to their Twitter parody account.
8: Lynton Crosby gets a Knighthood … oh wait. that actually happened.
9: IS (or ISIL, ISIS ,,, whatever) rebrands yet again. This time as a lamb kebab chain. Gets a star rating from YELP for the spice mix. Internet shut down as a ‘facilitator of terrorism’.
10: Oil drops to $24 per barrel: every fossil fuel corporation suddenly goes geo-thermal saying, ‘ we know how to drill, we have the maps – sorry it took so long’.
Wishing everyone a happy 2016!